somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
