I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I touched a dick in church today
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