I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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