he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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