Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
