I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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