Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
they're like a gay fantastic four
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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