she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
