So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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