WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
