when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
