I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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