Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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