It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
