Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
