so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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