I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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