You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
