ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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