The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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