I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
