Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
