i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
