And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
