I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
