my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
3 2 1 whiskey
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
