True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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