he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
