false alarm. still invincible.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
