it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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