I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
