My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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