I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize