Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
