my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
