he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I need to calm my uterus...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
