I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
