theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
