It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
