I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
