yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
