im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
