I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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