I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
