I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
