I just pynch a tree in the face
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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