It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
