GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize