Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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