So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
