when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
