Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
