She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
