dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
