You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
