I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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