its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
