God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
