awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
