My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
