The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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