party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
