do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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